Ask Auntie Leila: A little misunderstood.

Dear Auntie Leila,

Thank you for your blog. I've been enjoying it for many months now, and am writing today for advice and support.

My family (my husband and our two little children -- and one on the way!) is about to put our home on the market. We will be downsizing from a large house in the suburbs to a much smaller house and yard. We will be able to pay off a big chunk of student loan debt, and I will be able to quit my stressful part-time job.

We will be much closer to my husband's work. We will save on utilities, and the kids will be able to walk to school. We will be getting rid of lots of our belongings in the move, and I'm looking forward to less house and less stuff to maintain.

I can't wait to devote more of my energies to creating the kind of home and family life I envision, and I believe that right now I am called to renew and re-imagine my vocation as wife and mother. I believe this change is the right thing for our family. We need our life to be simpler, and more focused on enjoying one another.

BUT. It's not an easy process. And I think our families are having a difficult time understanding why we would want to leave our "dream home." My mom, in particular, is projecting her stress onto me. ("I hope you can find the right house." "Are you sure you want to leave your job? What about your insurance and retirement?" "Where will I sleep when I visit?")

Do you have any advice for managing the anxieties that creep in when making these counter-cultural changes? And how to help others understand and accept/embrace our plan?! I've been praying to St. Joseph -- any other saints to recommend?

A Reader Who Wishes To Remain Anonymous

Dear ARWWTRA,

Thanks so much for writing. It's really wonderful to know that a young couple is taking these steps to prioritize and put important things first. You can't imagine how heartening this news is!

Of course, mothers can't help just being anxious. And, as you say, projecting.

Part of growing up is realizing that you can't wait for affirmation from others to do what you know is right. Or rather, as you have already done this, I should say that you have to accept the aftermath of this resolution, which is to continue to go forward without the nice pats that would be so helpful!

This is so hard, because obviously we are hard-wired to seek affirmation, especially from our parents! Our very lives have depended on it. But at some point, the detachment process has to take place.

{Sometimes, to give these anxious relatives their due, they are trying to convey something that is hard to put into words but is worth hearing, even if expressed in a seemingly unhelpful way. Just having lived so long gives you a perspective that is worthwhile. They don't want you to suffer, and they don't want you to make choices you may one day regret. They sometimes are able to sense danger while remaining incapable of expressing themselves without just seeming negative. It's worth it to try to understand their point of view before dismissing it.

But, of course, everyone's life has suffering. The important thing is to suffer for the right reasons! Better to suffer poverty than lack of love... but sometimes even mothers can be oblivious, just sort of reacting to their general feeling of anxiety.}

So you have to sort of examine this affirmation cycle and step out of it. You have to get your affirmation elsewhere!

We go to church and the priest tells us that being a Christian means going against the world. And we nod. And we don't realize exactly what this means....

It means... what you are describing. 

Just quietly doing what you know is right while those you love make things a little hard on you.

Smile and nod, smile and nod... sometimes you have to calmly say, "I know this is what is right for us." When it’s a loved one, you can say, “I am sure it makes you anxious to think of us seeming to take a step back, but we’ve really thought about it, and it’s what we need to do.”

Sometimes you can let your husband take the hit.

That's what leadership of the family means, by the way. 

It's not bossing you around. 

It's taking one for the team: "Joe says this is what we need to do." No more explanation. Mom goes away thinking, "My daughter married a jerk." Only, she knows you didn't and underneath it all, she gains a little more respect for him.






As to others, friends and co-workers, I do believe that having a positive statement can be very helpful all around, again, as long as you don’t expect immediate affirmation. People need to hear that material well being is not the only kind of good! “Be prepared to give answers,” as the Apostle exhorts us. 

Can you detach the answer from your need to defend yourself, and rather make it into a little witness to the higher good? “We’ve come to see that right now we are being called to live more simply, and it’s worth it to us to sacrifice a bit now for later gains.” Wait and see if more questions are forthcoming. You don't have to explain everything, nor can you!

Many people have never heard of the desire to spend more time with one’s children, for instance. 

They’ve been taught that children have to be handed off to others quickly, lest you become overwhelmed and incapable of achieving your goals. If you think carefully about how you want to state the case, you might find yourself in an interesting conversation! At the minimum, you might plant the seed of an idea, the fruit of which you may never see, but that’s okay.

Which leads me to another little recommendation: Pray and search for good friends who will be companions along the way -- understanding your goals, sharing them, working on some of them themselves, and raising their children with the same things in mind. These friends will stand you in good stead! Everyone needs friends who will encourage them!

Let time go by and be willing to wait for results. This is the virtue of longanimity. Not all problems can be resolved instantly or by talking things out or by making explanations. Sometimes the passage of time is what is necessary. After a year, five years, ten years, people will come to understand what you have done and why. 

Or they may never understand, but you will be reconciled to the fact that their understanding was never part of your responsibility.

You know all this. St. Joseph is wonderful because he had to remain silent while people were all like, "Where did he go?" "He just up and took them to Egypt??" But time was on his side... I guess... even now there are many people who think it did not all work out as far as how Jesus ended up. Sometimes following your convictions means being misunderstood, more or less permanently.

For other saints: Click on the thingy on the sidebar here on the blog that takes you to the Catholic Culture liturgical calendar. Read about the saint of the day, and just keep on until you find the saint who appeals to you. The Spirit leads on that. And maybe our readers can suggest a good saint for you!

I would also recommend Joseph Pieper's Four Cardinal Virtues, which I didn't mention in yesterday's post, but wanted to.

I can't tell you how much this book helped me. Knowing what each virtue is, how it works with the others, and how you can grow in each one, just appeals to the practical side of me, while also just being very philosophical. You see the good (Prudence), you master your appetites in order to grasp the good (Temperance), you give each his due (Justice), and you go out to meet the good with a right hearty will (Fortitude). We all need that last one: You see the good, you go for it. With the grace of God!

If Prudence is the Queen of Virtues, maybe Fortitude is the Army. Doing the good, not just thinking about it, can be hard!

Good for you!

God bless you!

Leila

Making a shawl, thinking about things.

{Wow, it's really hard to take pictures of brown knitting.}

I think you were along with me for that ride I go on -- you know, the one where I find yarn on sale, buy it, choose a pattern, change things like needle size, and then end up with too little yarn. I keep doing that.

As usual, a super nice Ravelry lady sold me her yarn that was in her stash, clearly labeled as "not for sale."

I will try to reform, but the outlook is dim, matching my brain.

This yarn, Hillside Linen, which is a lovely, soft blend of alpaca and linen, and how appealing is that, called out to me: "Deirdre needs a shawl for when she's too big for a sweater, and also for when she's nursing the baby!" That voice doesn't seem to realize that Deirdre lives in DC, where you don't need any extra layers from March until October, but still. Had to be done!

{I will get my notes on Ravelry very soon! Promise! Ravelry notes posted!}

Completely unrelatedly, as Pentecost has arrived, I've been thinking about the four cardinal virtues.

Have you ever thought about them? These virtues identified by the ancients as necessary for human development?

They are Prudence, Temperance, Fortitude, and Justice.

Yesterday was Pentecost, of course, and I was thinking about how fully four of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (enumerated in Isaiah, Chapter 11, 2-3) revolve around the virtue of prudence.

That goes to show you that dear Aristotle was so right in calling this the Queen of Virtues, the one without which you can't grow in the others.

For you must see reality as it is in order to act upon it. No good forging off in the wrong direction, however hard you are trying. If you find yourself on the wrong path, better to know it's the wrong one so that you can correct.

Once I saw a banner across a storefront Bible church on Connecticut Avenue in D.C. It gave a somewhat unorthodox translation of John 1:14 as

The glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and reality.

I do think that the Holy Spirit was speaking in that particular choice of words for me at that particular time.

Reality -- the existence of something objective outside of ourselves -- this is what is trying to break through to us.

The question of how to acquire virtue is an interesting one. At some point you do feel that things are acting upon you, rather than that you are doing all the "doing." It's good to be still, to allow your inner self to seek out this acting force and let it bring you to truth, to reality. 

I'm wondering if you have ever seen this prayer, from the wonderful Cardinal Mercier. I can truly say that this prayer, prayed according to his recommendations, printed on a pamphlet, left in church long ago, was the beginning of a much-needed journey for me to acquire a little bit of virtue (no telling how effective that has been) and certainly the dawning of my discovery of the interior life.

It can be that one is busy about many things in the world, or even that one is busy with intellectual pursuits -- thinking and even dreaming. But the interior life -- where the spirit rests and begins to have a relationship with God -- this can only be found through the Holy Spirit.

How do you get onto this path? This way of life that seems to be answering a call?

Here is what was printed on that pamphlet:

I am going to reveal to you a secret of sanctity and happiness. For five minutes every day quiet your imagination, close your eyes to everything visible and your ears to all external sounds and withdraw into the sanctuary of your baptized soul which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. There, speak to the Holy Spirit and say:

"O Holy Spirit
soul of my soul
I adore you. 

Enlighten,
guide,
strengthen and console me. 

Tell me what I ought to do
and command me to do it. 

I promise to submit to everything
that you ask of me
and to accept all
that you allow to happen to me. 

Just show me what is your will."

If you do this, your life will be happy and serene. Even in the midst of troubles you will experience great consolation, for grace will be given to strengthen and help you to cope with every difficulty.

{bits & pieces}

The weekly, "little of this, little of that" feature at Like Mother, Like Daughter!

I'm so excited about this. I found this lovely frame on clearance at Marshalls and inserted a Carl Larsson print from an old calendar (I always keep nice calendars and love to decorate with them whenever possible). I love it when I can effectively channel my style in surprisingly frugal ways.

This week's links!

• For this week's Esolen Selection, I have decided to share What Jesus Really Said About Sins of the Flesh from Crisis Magazine. An exploration of ethics of sexual morality drawn largely from etymological reflections on Scripture; an exercise in going deeper. 

• For some humor, I loved this Wedding Jitters video by "Kid Snippets." Apparently there's a group of adults who have their kids pretend scenarios and then they act them out with the kids' voiced dubbed in. A pretty hilarious glimpse inside the minds of children! 

• For some more humor, Don't Make Fun of Renowned Author Dan Brown. 

• For some politics (with a dash of humor): The Common Core is in the news (another Crisis article), not least because some states' citizens have begun to realize what a danger it is. (In fact, Indianans (*edited to say of course we mean Hoosiers and have one ourselves -- Joseph!) have been clever enough to prevent this intrusion in their state.)
  
  (Auntie Leila says:) But don't think that the loss of local control started here with this administration, or even under Bush's No Child Left Behind (although that was a decisive blow). Yes, communities still pay for their schools through property taxes, but if you are involved in your local government you quickly discover that these funds are tied to state and federal funds that must be secured to meet their requirements and mandates, all of which restrict local decisions on what to teach. Which is what school is about.
  
  Read Common Ground to understand how court-ordered busing made it impossible for communities, including black communities, the intended beneficiaries -- which arguably have lost the most in ensuing years -- to retain control of the education of their own children.
  
  It's all about testing and making money for the testing companies, because who wouldn't want to have a product that every child in America had to buy.
  It all starts so early.

• And finally, for some theology: Read here for a nice take on an argument (used by Newman when still an Anglican, and also C. S. Lewis) on whether the invocation of saints leads away from God.
  
  On that note, dip into our archives to read about Saints and how to get them into your family devotions without going crazy.

Have a great weekend!

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{pretty, happy, funny, real}

~ Capturing the context of contentment in everyday life ~

Every Thursday, here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!

{funny}

Do you like this bouquet? I made it for myself. I had a wonderful Mother's Day. Everyone called, and that made me so happy. I got some cute presents, including, of course, ice cream from our favorite place, brought right to me here at home, which was good because it was too nippy to stand in line (and there would have been a loooong line, rest assured, regardless).  

And I enjoyed myself so, in between phone calls (which didn't leave much time -- what DO the moms of 10 kids do??), out in the garden, where the rhubarb was in need of cutting back.

Do you know what it is?

It's rhubarb flower heads! And chive blossoms! They both needed cutting back, and I thought, well, let's see what they look like in a vase together!

And this is really what the light looks like these afternoons. Amazing.

{happy}

Will has decided that the key to making me happy is giving me good ingredients and letting me cook. Convenient, no?

But it's true. I had fun doing that too. We had the lovely filet that Natasha's parents sent us for Christmas, that has been waiting patiently for us in the deep freezer. I carefully defrosted it (giving it a good day to thaw in the fridge) and then, after bringing it to room temperature, rubbed it with olive oil and salt and grilled it on high (but, warning, the high on my grill is not especially high, as it's one of those free grills I have a tendency to get out of someone else's trash things they're finished with, but then, on the other hand, it's not like a new boughten one is that great) for seven, possibly eight, minutes on each of the four sides.

Then, a nice rest and... it was perfect.

Grilled Vidalia onions, avocados with lime, Greek salad with excellent feta from a Middle Eastern shop that Erin kindly stopped at for me, roasted potatoes with garlic and salt, and some homemade foccacia.

Mother's Day Mojito, made by Will. Recipe for {real}. ;)

Thanks, Nate and Shelly!

{pretty}

Lilacs always seem like a special gift to me -- yes! just for me! -- because they bloom around my birthday. And when they are in bloom, I'm so ready for something floral. Here in New England there just isn't much up until now, especially out in the boonies. Maybe in town there are multitudes of spring flowers, but out here not so much. By the time the lilacs bloom we're just up to here with it being a little too cold, a little too long, in a little too much bleak cold mud. The green! It is so good!

{real}

The real is that it's hard to keep up with everything. It's been quiet here, I know. Have a mojito.

Mojito, Like Mother, Like Daughter 

Mint from the garden. When it's been this cool, it's hard to find the right mint out there, because the good kind that I love -- you know, the kind with the dark underside and the smoother leaves (no idea what the kinds of mint are, it's been that long since they were planted, but it's not the spearmint, I think) -- grows slowly. But once it grows, watch out. Mint is, whew. Takes over.
Lime.
Club soda.
Simple syrup: 2 parts sugar to one part water. Bring to a boil, cover, simmer for 4 or 5 minutes, cool. Don't stir it, but leave the cover on until it's cool or the crystals won't wash down, but will cause the syrup to crystallize. Just make a pint of it (2 cups sugar, one cup water) and store it in a jar for your mojito and/or julep pleasure. No, it's not the same to just stir sugar into the drink. Avoid recipes that tell you to do this, because you will not get the whole mojito/julep experience.*
Ice.
Rum.
Get a nice glass, about 11 ounces. Muddle a sprig of mint a bit in the bottom. Add some ice. Muddle another sprig of mint and put that in. Add more ice. Put another sprig of mint on the ice. (So basically the idea is to layer a bunch of bruised but not torn mint and ice. If you tear the mint into pieces, the pieces will get stuck in your teeth! Don't do it! You will seem way more tipsy affected by the small amount of alcohol than you really are!) Put in a jigger of sugar syrup (to be honest, I probably made Will put more than that in, because I like sweet drinks, but then, I also never measure, so you're on your own) and a jigger of rum in there. Pour club soda over all. Squeeze a good amount of lime in and drop a lime wedge on top. Stir.
Enjoy!

*For an Egyptian Mojito (or delicious mint julep), add rosewater to your syrup -- a teaspoon for every 2 cups of sugar, let's say, or to taste.

{bits & pieces}

The weekly, "little of this, little of that" feature at Like Mother, Like Daughter!

 This is what the Artist and I will be tackling this weekend: The Second Bedroom/Finnabee's Nursery.

As you can tell, it's not really all that bad -- messy, but not filthy, and it looks at first glance to be more stuff than it actually is. 

The problem is that, obviously, all of it must be removed and reorganized before any sense can be made of any of it. I would have been making progress this past week, except that last weekend we stormed Craigslist and, with a borrowed van and some tenacity, acquired all the furniture for a pittance (the crib was a hand-me-down from a friend), and it all got placed at the front of the room - meaning that none of the clutter could be controlled without doing some heavy lifting. And since I am 30 weeks as of this weekend, I have been obediently avoiding heavy lifting. 

I'm excited to finally get to this, though. I'm tired of going in there for some item and moving six things around in order to get it. And it'll be lovely to prepare space for baby!

This week's links!

• Another recommendation for an artistic opportunity via The Way of Beauty. 

• Mom recommends Gary Saul Morson's The Pevearsion of Literature*, originally published in Commentary*, a warning against bad translations. Now that Anna Karenina is a new major motion picture, you might be thinking of reading it (and you should, before you watch the movie!) The translation you read matters. 

• Also from my Mom: David Rees recapping episodes of Top Chef in New York Magazine. About this, she writes: "Reading recaps of bygone episodes, yes, that's how I occasionally spend my time. If it helps, I'm knitting while I do it. I will say that he's a cross between Ben Stein and Honest Toddler. I enjoy Top Chef (while really hating its annoyingness) and it's fun to have something to read in between seasons. I find Rees funny. Lots of the commenters seem to think he's lame and can't believe he pretends not to know about food or perhaps that he actually doesn't know about food yet writes the recaps, but honestly, he's channeling my thoughts when a contestant cheftestant says something like "Chefs, I'm making ponzu infused speck for you tonight." I just need some snark with my time-wasting indulgence. My complaint is that it's hard to navigate the posts. This post was particularly snide about soup, and I laughed out loud even though I love soup." 

• This week we don't have an offering straight from Anthony Esolen, but we do have an offering on Esolen, which Suki came upon. When I mentioned last week that he writes consistently, what I meant was prolifically... almost to an extent that occasionally defies belief. Perhaps when we doubt, we're on to something. 

• For your visual pleasure this weekend: The 50 Most Perfectly Timed Photos Ever. 

Have a lovely weekend!

*Edit: We didn't realize this document is now behind a paywall on each site. The key learning: Pevear and Volokhonsky take "glorious works and reduce them to awkward and unsightly muddles" and remove their explicitly religious content. They leave out the irony, narrative voice (specifically what Morson calls "double-voicing"), and wit of the original, giving us "great literature that has been stripped bare of its mystery." If you are interested in this kind of thing, we do recommend buying the article. If you just want to know what translation of Anna to get, Morson praises "the magnificent" Constance Garnett.

Follow us on Twitter, where we discuss random stuff and link to (sometimes sillier or more fleeting) other things.

Like us on Facebook, where you will be advised of posts including some from the archives that you might have missed.

Auntie Leila's Pinterest.

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Sukie's Pinterest.

Deirdre's Pinterest.

Habou's Pinterest.

{pretty, happy, funny, real}

~ Capturing the context of contentment in everyday life ~

Every Thursday, here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!

 {pretty}

Several of you commented on the large windows we have at the front of our new house -- they were a big selling point for us. I'm sure they'll take some management during the hot Oklahoma summers, but still, I love all the light! They face east, so we have beautiful bright morning light in our dining and living rooms. (That's the front door there on the right.)

It did me good to take this picture, actually, because I was able to frame it to avoid most of the moving mess (which, at least here, is limited to the edges of the room for the most part) and focus on the little island of order we have established in the living room. A taste of what things might be like all over when our projects settle down. It will be good.

Ask Auntie Leila: New baby, messy house, perfectionist mom.

Dear Auntie Leila,
What tips do you have for the new mother, when it comes to keeping
house and getting sufficient rest and still making sure to enjoy the
cuddly baby, particularly when there are other children to tend
to/feed/chase/corral? My husband is amazing and has been keeping our
son happily occupied (and feeding me so well--he rarely cooks under
normal circumstances but when he does at a time like this, he makes
the best things!)--he's also been keeping up with laundry this first
week. But he's back to work Monday--making a living is a priority!!
We had to return to the hospital for jaundice issues in the middle of
the night on Wednesday, but we're settling in at home now--for good, I
hope!
I guess what I am seeking is some wisdom on how to handle these early
weeks. My baby breastfeeds, and I want to be
sure I can really care for her well while also keeping our 3 year old
satisfied (fortunately he's a pretty good little boy...). I am usually
very good at staying on top of meals, laundry and house but I
know we have to figure out a new normal, at least for a few months. My
sweet mom passed away in 2001 so I can't channel her wisdom, and
frankly most of my friends who have second or third babies have their
older child in preschool or day care, so have less ' older child'
duties during the day. We don't do either of those (we plan to
homeschool) so my situation among my friends and peer group is, for the
most part, unique....yet I know plenty of mothers out there must have
the same situation and questions.
If this is incoherent, we will blame it on the lack of sleep!
Thank you!
Polly*

{bits & pieces}

The weekly, "little of this, little of that" feature at Like Mother, Like Daughter!

It's May! Did anyone else hear that "whoosh" sound as April just flew by? What was up with that?!

Favorite recent Pinterest find: How ADORABLE is this blanket?! From Babies in Knitwear
You can follow me on Pinterest here

As a little order of business: We'd like to be clear that, when we direct you to a site via one of our links, we're not necessarily endorsing the whole site, but rather just referring you to the individual post in question (unless we state otherwise). We certainly don't intend to be sending you to bad or lame sites by any means, and we're confident in the quality of most of the places we link to. But sometimes we will be referencing a part of a site which we haven't had time to peruse, so we can't vouch for the whole thing; or we're not necessarily full-on believers in a site but we want to highlight a particular article. 

Anyway, you know what we mean, right? Unless we explicitly recommend the site, then take our link with a grain of salt. If the site is great -- well, of course! we recommended it! we only like excellent things! If it's questionable -- obviously we can't be liable at all, don't blame us, you're on your own, etc.